Rules of the Elevator

August 8, 2008

For fuck’s sake people… you need to learn how to use an elevator, and I’m gonna teach you with a knife if I need to.

#1.  Pay attention to the call button when you are waiting for an elevator.  DO NOT just run to the first door that opens, hold it open, and ask if it’s going your way.  I don’t care which direction you want to go, I will say it’s going the other way.

#2.  Repeatedly jamming on the close door button does not make the door close.  Most of the time that button has been set to only work when the key is inserted.  Do you really think that the first 30 times you pushed it you just didn’t push it hard enough?

#3.  When you walk up to the elevator bay and there is a large group of people already waiting, you are not getting on the first elevator to come.  I’ve been waiting for far too fucking long for you to just jump the line.

#4.  Sometimes shit just breaks.  When you push the button for your floor and it doesn’t light up, push it once more and only once more to double check that the light is out.  Do not freak out and keep jamming on the button and looking like it will be the end of the world if the elevator passes your floor.

#5.  The area required for personal space is 2.3 feet. The average amount on elevators is generally 2 feet.  Being a fat ass does not entitle you to more.

#6.  If you are going more than 2 floors, you will have problems talking on your cell phone.  Just give it up, tell them you are getting on an elevator and will call them back.  Do not just stand there saying, “Can you hear me?  Hello?  Hello?  Hello?  Brad?  Brad?  Can you hear me?  Brad?  Hello?  Are you there?  Brad?  Brad?  Brad?”

#7.  When I see you everyday in the same cramped ass elevator, don’t make a random proclomation about how small the elevators are.  I know they are, you know they are.  If you haven’t come to grips yet that the elevators in our building were built in 1912 when people were not obese and over 5’3″ tall, then you need to be shot.

#8.  Just because you were the first person in the elevator does not give you the right to stand and hold the door open while you talk to someone, important or not.  Get your ass out the way and wait for the next one, you have just forfeited your ticket to ride.

#9.  If you see the elevator doors closing or notice that the doors have been open for some time as you approach, don’t run out and stick your hand between them as they close.  Do you realize how many other people have done this already?  I’ve been waiting in the same elevator for 2 minutes and the doors have tried to close 9 times.

#10.  If I am waiting for an elevator alone, and you show up alone, and the elevator comes and there is room for only one person… you are not getting on.  Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you pricks across the hall!

#11.  When you get in the elevator and see the floor you want to go to already lit up, don’t push it again.  It’s not an accident that it’s lit up and you will still be able to exit the elevator on that floor if you don’t push the button.

Learn them, live them, love them… or face the wrath of GoRF!


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